


Hera's Hearthache

by HouseGameOfPotter



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: 4x10, 4x10 spoilers, Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Death, F/M, Hurt, Jedi Night spoilers, Major character death - Freeform, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-22 03:36:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13755474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HouseGameOfPotter/pseuds/HouseGameOfPotter
Summary: Hera's thoughts during that emotional ending to 'Jedi Night', the first episode back of Star Wars Rebels. I've been crying for a day now and had to get this small fic off of my chest.





	Hera's Hearthache

“Kanan!” She yelled at the top of her lungs, burning fuel consuming her sense of smell, toxicity on the taste of her tongue. Time seemed to move so slowly, as if she was watching him die for an hour or two when in fact it was only for a few minutes. 

 

She ran towards him, if he was going to die so was she, she wanted to be with him, to hold him and feel his lips on hers one more time as they died with each other. Her feet dragged across the top of the fuel pod, clumsily as she tried to reach her lover. 

 

She halted, her body not being able to move as he swivelled round and held her back with a force push. She tried to fight it, tried to get closer, even just one inch. She needed to, she had to, she longed for him once again.  _ Kanan my love _ , her thoughts a scrambled mess as his milky white eyes sensed her looking at him. 

 

The stupid idiot, he’d risked everything, given everything for her. She's got her Kalikori back, thanks to him. They’d recognised their love for each other, their desire to keep one another safe and sound. To be there in death and life. Yet now, her love for him is going to feel like a heartache. Every thought she has of him from now on will be one of guilt and sorrow. 

 

In these few seconds she thought of all the adventure she’d shared with him, the fight they’d endured. And when he’d been blinded, how that had felt, how that trauma of knowing he’ll never see her again, knowing that she wished she’d said more when he left for Malachor. They had embraced, but she wished then he’d known her true feelings. 

 

She’d left it too late, she’d not given them a chance to have a family. Space mom and dad, that’s what she’d heard Sabine calling them both once, and yet it hurt. She’d never see him again, never feel his calming aura, hear his soothing words. And she’d left it to not five minutes ago to confess her true feelings, they both had. And now, she was going to lose it all. The rebellion was nothing to her in these few moments, all she’d worked so hard for, fought for, was nothing. 

 

He pushed her back, sending her flying into the arms of Ezra, who she knew must be feeling the same shock, the same anger and defeatist feelings she was. It was breaking her, what was it doing to him. They’d been like father and son, the only male figure in Ezra’s life that had embraced him and his flaws. 

 

That’s what Kanan did, he made everyone feel important, that every single one of them could make a difference in the rebellion. Even if he did not wholly believe in what the rebellion could achieve, he believed in the people, in Hera. And these emotions were something so pure and real that she felt lost already, deflated without him and yet he was still here, just a few more moments. 

 

And then, something almost magical happened, so unexpected that she could not believe what she was seeing. The milky white that normally covered Kanan’s iris’ disappeared leaving the blue-green colour Hera had looked into a million times before. They conveyed so much emotion to her, sorrow and sadness. 

 

Yet there was surprise there too, a comforting looking of content as their eyes gazed at each other, a longing to be close with one another. But it could not happen, even though she could see the love he harboured for her in the green of his iris. They could not be together as she wanted, but that doesn’t mean they never were. They had each other, for twelve years they had each other and she’d never forget it. 

 

Everything that happened next was a blur, a complete shutdown of the world around her as Kanan accepted his fate and pushed the ship back so Ezra, Sabine and herself could survive, while he was engulfed in flames. 

 

_ No, this cannot be. _ Hera broke down, her heart sinking to the floor as the Imperial fuel depot lit the Lothal sky up in flames. They danced as they blew the other pods apart, the fuel stench so strong in her nose. 

 

He was gone, he was really gone. Hera Syndulla was as broken as they came; all because her love, her one and only Kanan Jarrus, had sacrificed his life for her. An act so selfless she couldn’t believe the person she met while on the Gorse and Cynda mission all those years ago was the same person. 

 

So selfless, and so brave. He let his compassion give him the strength to do it, his love of Hera and their family they made on the ship. He used his compassion to let him be able to do it. He saved them all, and she would never forget it.

 

That’s what he was in the end, a true Jedi, and always, her only love.


End file.
